An excerpt from

Jesus Made Me Puke: Matt Taibbi Undercover with the Christian Right

... Here I have a confession to make. It's not something that's easy to explain, but here goes. After two days of nearly constant religious instruction, songs, worship and praise — two days that for me meant an unending regimen of forced and fake responses — a funny thing started to happen to my head. There is a transformational quality in these external demonstrations of faith and belief. The more you shout out praising the Lord, singing along to those awful acoustic tunes, telling people how blessed you feel and so on, the more a sort of mechanical Christian skin starts to grow all over your real self. Even if you're a degenerate Rolling Stone reporter inwardly chuckling and busting on the whole scene — even if you're intellectually enraged by the ignorance and arrogant prejudice flowing from the mouth of a terminal-ambition case like Phil Fortenberry — outwardly you're swaying to the gospel and singing and praising and acting the part, and those outward ministrations assume a kind of sincerity in themselves. And at the same time, that "inner you" begins to get tired of the whole spectacle and sometimes forgets to protest — in my case checking out into baseball reveries and other daydreams while the outer me did the "work" of singing and praising. At any given moment, which one is the real you?

You may think you know the answer, but by my third day I began to notice how effortlessly my soft-spoken Matt-mannequin was going through his robotic motions of praise, and I was shocked. For a brief, fleeting moment I could see how under different circumstances it would be easy enough to bury your "sinful" self far under the skin of your outer Christian and to just travel through life this way. So long as you go through all the motions, no one will care who you really are underneath. And besides, so long as you are going through all the motions, never breaking the facade, who are you really? It was an incomplete thought, but it was a scary one; it was the very first time I worried that the experience of entering this world might prove to be anything more than an unusually tiring assignment. I feared for my normal.

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So, this group psychology/ hysteria/ conformity thing - does it vacuum, as well?

It reminds me of a couple of things - Nazism, with its rousing rallies and an entire nation coming under the charismatic thrall of one man. Religion, in general (because this is religion, after all).

And it makes me think, we're all doomed after all. It's only a matter of time before one incredibly charismatic man leads the entire human race into oblivion. How? Where? What? I don't know, I'd be lying if I said I did; but man is, for better or for worse, a social animal, and we're all going to follow him like lemmings leaping into the abyss of extinction.

I only hope I won't be around when it happens. It would be unpleasant. Well, it probably would be quite pleasant at the time, but dying from an inherent tendency to happily participate in groupthink is not really how I want to die.

Filched from lexcorpninja. Quite true as things go; I think science has a better idea of the real world than the religious, but there might be a god somewhere; and I meditate, sometimes. Or at least I try to; I'm not good at sitting still. Still, I hate talking about religion.

What kind of atheist are you?
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I'm a Facebook addict. (Which, while not half as serious as alcohol or drug or any other substance, is itself rather debilitating.) I'm also an internet addict. But one at a time.

Apparently AA says you've got to trust to God or a higher being to help you out. Sounds great! Except I'm not religious. I don't believe in God.

But I do (irrationally, against everything my head tells me) believe that there's some sort of "higher purpose" (for lack of a better phrase), and that I'm not serving it in any way by stalking people on Facebook. Or checking my internets. At all. And worse, I'm obsessed. (Rather not go into details, but I am.)

I could try believing in my version of God. (I'm a Buddhist.) In 22 years I've never really tried. Always the head says that these things are wrong, that they don't make sense, that they aren't true. But the heart yearns. That's a start...

But what am I, then? Head? Heart? Both? Neither? Could these 22 years of believing so strongly in the power of logic have been so misguided? Maybe. I hope so. All these religious... people I know seem so at peace, with themselves and with everything else.

Some sort of faith is necessary for me, I think. Perhaps in trying to find it I'll find something of myself I can be proud of.

Found this on Bookishly Fabulous' Vox.

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof). Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe. agnosticism 92% Buddhism 83% Satanism 71% atheism 67% Judaism 58% Islam 50% Paganism 33% Christianity 33% Hinduism 25%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
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It's a bit disturbing - an agnostic Buddhist-Satanist? I think I'm confused.

Well, I thought I saw a ranting professor of theology I'd seen at a debate about Islam and its headscarves at dinner yesterday, but it turns out he's just an ordinary guy I saw in a play.

Should get out more.

Anyway.

Was thinking about Jen, that pretty English girl I met at dinner on Saturday, and remembered that, among other things, the feeling of mild discomfort when she said how she'd like to work in the church after graduating, and went on about how her Chemistry degree would allow her to work even in some Middle Eastern countries where going there to overtly work as missionaries was prohibited, and they could only do it under the cover of working as something else. (e.g. in chemistry?) Which kind of signifies how deep into the whole religious zealotry thing she is. Yet she was a great conversationalist... she really made me feel as though she was genuinely interested in what I had to say. Which is rare. Normally people don't approach me to talk at social events - I have to do the initial maneuvers. Someone once told me I look as friendly and approachable as a rabid squirrel who's just forgotten where it left all its nuts and wouldn't mind munching on some juicy human jugulars instead. But Jen was different.

Of course, I later began overanalysing the whole thing. Maybe this is a standard approach vector for evangelistic maneuvers? To get in under the radar of overly suspicious types and then strike at their atheistic cores.

Hmm.

Or maybe she's just incredibly friendly, and I'm just an oversuspicious bastard.

Oh, well. It's not entirely likely that I'll ever see her again, and anyway, she's (1) a zealot, and (2) got a boyfriend. So.

[aside] Sometimes I suspect that people can look into my eyes and realise that behind those eyes is a creep ready to eviscerate you with a sharp hunting knife as soon as he gets close enough, which is one reason why I try not to look people in the eyes. Just in case.

Which is actually kind of irrational, isn't it? Especially since I've never looked into someone else's eyes and realised what kind of soul they have behind them orbs. Something for me to think about.